Friday, August 26, 2005

Lost Weekend (7)

My wife had many chores lined up for the weekend; she always does. She also gets a load of work done on her days "off.” When I'm home, I do my computer surfing, watch TV, and read.

If I'm off, it's pretty obvious. I'll be wearing my bathrobe in the middle of the day. This doesn't matter, as almost no one comes to see us. My wife suggests the bathrobe could be the reason. I don't think so; I’m sure other people are also watching TV, computer surfing, and reading. Unless they are women of course.

In that case they are doing household chores and, in many instances, working outside the home. Sometimes they stop to give birth, but they are back multi-tasking before you know it.

If a guy gave birth, he would have to have a year off. Actually, two years, as he would be in bed for nine months followed by a year of recuperation.

Women probably deserve better husbands or boyfriends. But most of them are stuck with us guys, a very different breed.

Speaking of dogs, you'll notice that guy dogs are clueless, running around trying to find new spots to fertilize, while girl dogs are checking their planners to see when the puppies are due.

I think women could stand for guys being less dog-like. I sometimes offer to help my wife with the chores; I'll suggest that possibly I could whip up a little lunch.

For some reason my wife gets a little agitated when I head towards the kitchen. I don't know why. Unless she remembers how I lived in my bachelor days; I like to tell her how I prepared meals.

One of my favorites was scrambled eggs, which I was pretty proud of as I actually used the stove. I would break the eggs directly into the skillet--I didn't fool with beating them and adding milk. I would eat them from the pan while standing over the kitchen sink. Saved time doing dishes, of course. For some reason, my wife always orders me out of the kitchen when I suggest I cook.

Women really need to let their guys help out. We could be trusted with a meal or a load of laundry. I think we might surprise our spouses and girlfriends given the chance. I try this notion out on my wife.

"Your apartment was a surprise all right--your clothes hamper was running over into the next county. You told me yourself you didn't do laundry until you ran out of underwear! No, really, I don't need any help. Why don't you go watch TV?"

It works every time.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Greenup Press Week (6)

Greenup, Illinois (POP. Fifteen Hundred) is my second hometown. My folks and I moved there from Hidalgo (POP. One Hundred) in 1956 when I was eleven--it was at least a day's ride.

It is also home to The Greenup Press which I mentioned in Blog 2. (You did read it, didn't you?) No need to refer back; I'll be nice and just quote myself:

" For those of you not acquainted with the Press it's a local weekly that has the lowdown on who stayed over night, who had Sunday dinner at Grandma’s, and a complete notation of doctor visits."

"There’s no national or world news, thank you very much, just brief bulletins from the communities of Jack Oak and Liberty Hill covering what the columnists, their friends and family did the past week. I like to make “smart” remarks about some of the items. Not nice of me of course. It’s a pity the paper isn’t online. It’s probably my duty to share it with others."

So this week I'm going to pass along a few items from recent issues of The Press. On the front page of the July 21 issue appeared this bulletin:

"Notice-Due to lack of interest and help. The Greenup Fire/EMS FAll Festival has been cancelled."--Chairperson Anne R.

(No bitterness here.)

Another front page article was actually a news story: a trial no less. The details--drunken motorcycle riding, serious fisticuffs, and way too much bodily injury--I'll pass over. I can't, however, resist quoting from the cross examination:

"Mrs. O. said the Mr. C. had to be 'bagged'. O. explained the procedure was performed because C. had quit breathing."

A little later in the proceedings The State asked another witness Miss. W. why she decided to bag the the patient.

"Because he had quit breathing."

(The State needs to pay more attention.)

This week's issue also had a article entitled: CCDC (Cumberland County Development Corporation) Meeting Held. The Committee Reports were noteworthy:

Finance--Nothing new to report.

Membership--Nothing new to report.

Publicity--Nothing new to report.

Tourism--Nothing new to report.

Executive--President Dan C. reported that the executive committee had decided to postpone its decision regarding the director position for three more months to give the group more time to determine the direction it is going.

(From the committee reports the " direction" appears to be "nowhere".)

There was also discussion of a "Shop at Home" campaign which would endeavor to educate the public about what it actually costs to shop at the "big boxes."

(Explain to me the "big boxes").

The proceedings of the County Board meeting were also covered in another article. My highlights:

"The (phone) system had been struck by lightning in a recent storm. After a short discussion the board decided to purchase the equipment. Board member Sherwood voted no."

"...Circuit Clerk noted that the copier in her office was needing to be replaced. ...The monthly agreement is $78 for the new machine. The Board agreed to take over the service agreement. Sherwood voted no."

(Sherwood appears to be a pretty tough customer.)

As interesting as these articles are, for real Greenup Press fans the highlights usually come from the columns. Here are some samples from the Jack Oak News:

"We met Amelia B. and Nikki K. at their home and went out for a late lunch at Cheddar's. The new pug "Gabe" had just returned from the Vet's having been neutered and implanted with an ava chip for indentification purposes. Didn't slow him down one bit."

"Don't forget to attend the Muddy Creek Concert and Summer Picnic on August 5th at the Neil Park in Toledo. The cost is very reasonable and small children are free."

"Keith and Anita had their evening meal at the Airport Steakhouse in Mattoon."

Lydia and Joe C. and Joyce L. visited Kim N. at her new apartment in Charleson Saturday. Paul, Carol, and Michelle V., Cheryl and Bart N. and Shara G. were all helping move in. They had lunch at the Airport Steakhouse in Mattoon."

(The Airport Steakhouse seems to be the place to go.)

"Sorry there was no news last week but I only had two articles and I will just include them this week. There will not be news next week because I will be busy making news and I'll report the next week. "

(Guess we can skip the evening news next week.)

And what news did our busy Jack Oak columnist make you may ask. I was curious myself as were my friends who are also Greenup Press fans. We had to wait two weeks until this very day, Thursday August 19, 2005 when the latest edition of the press arrived in the mail. (We agreed I could not blog until this mystery was solved.)

Here's the pertinent information from today's column:"We drove to Morrisville, PA and Belmar, N. J. Visited with Diana C. and Frank G. and swam in the Ocean. Gettsyburg on Wednesday and started back home on Thursday. We all had a great time together and arrived back at Twelve Oaks after lunch on Friday."

So there you have it--our intrepid girl Columnist "swam in the Ocean" and visited Gettysburg, the battlefield, or perhaps just the town. (This is not clear.)

I was also struck by "back at Twelve Oaks after lunch on Friday." Wasn't Twelve Oaks the name of one of the plantations in Gone With The Wind? Quick! Someone Google this for me. That's another great thing about The Press--it's so educational.

It's a pity--as I've often said--it's not online. I will try to revisit it from time to time for another blog entry to help keep us up with the important news. I mean you really wouldn't want something big to happen in say, Jack Oak, and not hear about it? No, it's too terrible to think about.

See you next week.